Funny Quotes about Life

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. Henny Youngman

I have a good dog. She's half Laborador Retreiver, half Pit Bull. A good combination. Sure she might bite off my leg, but she'll bring it back to me. Jimi Celeste

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships. Gilda Radner

Interest your kids in bowling. Get them off the streets and into the alleys. Don Rickles.

I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common? Ashleigh Brilliant

Now what I don't get are those people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll. Are you trying to quit? Brian Kiley

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them, so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch. Rita Rudner

I refuse to go to the bathroom on an airplane because if i'm gonna die in a carwheeling ball of flames, it is not gonna be in a flying outhouse with my pants around my ankles. Sabrina Matthews

My dad's pants kept creeping up on him. By sixty-five he was just a pair of pants and a head. Jeff Altman

I'm on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost ten pounds and my driver's license. Larry The Cable Guy

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. Doug Larson

You know you're getting old when you're more attractive upside down. Cathy Ladman

Now my credit cards pay each other. I've stepped out of the picture. Kelly Monteith